His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
You Might Also Like
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”