The smoothest fall of all time
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While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.