“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
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People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Hey i am sexy to you now
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.