Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
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My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again