Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Ah..makes sense now
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.