A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
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It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.