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I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.