I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.