After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
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Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.