Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
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“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?