[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
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I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.