Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
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I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.