my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
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Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.