My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
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[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Human are so complicated
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
repaired
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions