I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
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Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Broom by every window for quick escape.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”