[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Teamwork makes the dream work.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral