There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
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You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Ooops wrong house😂😜
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.