Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
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They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.