well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
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The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.