The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
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[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’