The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Thursday Thought.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
it was a valiant fight
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going