[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car