I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
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Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Growing out my freckles.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Software Development ⛵️