Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
You Might Also Like
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
True freaking story!
Effort made
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Previously On Persistence 😎
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
this came to me in a vision
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”