My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
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“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”