Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
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“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
LMAO.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.