Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
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Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
This trial is so absurd 😭
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem