Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
You Might Also Like
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.