I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
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[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
$3 #books
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Got ya covered
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.