Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
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Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.