If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story