professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You Might Also Like
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
79.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.