Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
what do you want!!!!!!!!