They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
my dad has had enough
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.