Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
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VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with