It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come