A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I think this cat is broken
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
When you’ve simply given up.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”