*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
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Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.