[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
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Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.