Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
figuring out my emotional availability: