I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
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PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.