If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
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The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My beach vacation Google searches
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.