[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.