I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
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Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
You have been warned.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
best review i’ve ever seen
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break