Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying