I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
You Might Also Like
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
is this meant to deter me
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Saw online –
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.