One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
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a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.