For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
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At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
me when i see my girls butt
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen