Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
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Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.