wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
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I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Pretty much. 🤣
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
mom had nothing to worry about
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there